by Fr. Pavel Gumerov –
It’s not without reason that the Holy Fathers compare the passion of anger, like lust, with fire, flames, a conflagration. “A spark will ignite a flame.”1 Beginning with a small flash, anger can engulf the soul in a matter of minutes and lead to irreparable consequences. How can we prevent this fire? How can we extinguish the hellish flame within ourselves?
Abba Dorotheos makes this analogy: “He who is starting a fire first takes a small coal: this is the word of a brother that causes offense [that is, an external factor that has caused anger and irritation—Fr. Pavel]. For the time being this is only a small coal; for what is the word of your brother? If you bear it, you have put out the coal. But if you think, ‘Why did he say this to me? I will tell him such and such. If he had not wanted to offend me he would not have said this. I will offend him in return without fail.’ Here you have added twigs or something else which likewise will light a fire.”
We have to fight with irritation and anger immediately, from the outset, while they’re still like embers. An ember is easy to stamp out and extinguish. But if you not only don’t extinguish it, but on the contrary, fan it and maintain it, then a fire is inevitable. Just as a thought that hasn’t yet entered the heart can be easily driven away, but once it has nested in the soul it’s more difficult to deal with, so the initial anger and irritation must be overcome as soon as they approach. Our internal response to some event or action that’s unpleasant to us is quite natural. For example, someone accidentally bumps into us on the street. Our first reaction, of course, is indignation, but it must be immediately extinguished so that it doesn’t develop into anger.
St. Theophan advises: “Outbursts overcome you… Learn not to give them free rein, suppressing them as soon as they appear. Flaring up may seem like nothing, but therein lies the whole egotism, the sinfulness of man. Pray and collect your thoughts that could serve as water against this fire. Keep the remembrance of God and the remembrance of death. These two thoughts are the essence of the power of all good and the banishment of all evil… There’s nothing in the world worth seriously fighting about, except the salvation of your soul.”
In the battle with irritability and anger, it’s very useful to weigh things out. Its essence is that when we want to give free rein to our emotions, to argue with someone, to get angry, we should take a break and weigh everything out on our mental scales. On one side of the scales is what we were irritated about, what made us lose our temper, and on the other side is what we lose by fighting, by having a conflict: spiritual peace, our good and peaceful relations with others, and their favor and trust in us.
Again, we need to remember how we usually feel after an argument, when we’ve given place to anger, let off steam, and said many unnecessary things. Emptiness and darkness form in the soul; we’re haunted by a sense of shame for our intemperance and weak will. And when we weigh all this out, usually the desire to quarrel disappears. The most important thing here is to be able to pause in time and imagine what we lose by getting angry and irritated.
Reading the Gospel and Psalter is a great help in dealing with irritation, with gloomy, vindictive thoughts. And although it’s really difficult to force yourself to read in a moment of irritation, it will bring you calm. With some work, you can completely distract yourself from angry, irritated thoughts. Demons of anger especially come to a man who’s sitting idly. By the way, this applies to all other passions. Laziness, idleness, sloth—these are the breeding ground for almost all the passions.
A sense of humor also helps overcome anger. After all, resentment and angry thoughts are the product of pride and self-love. Therefore, we have to treat ourselves with some self-irony, and not take any insults and barbs against us too seriously, not take them to heart.
The Holy Fathers never rejected joking and humor when used in moderation. In his letters to various people, St. Theophan the Recluse often uses good-natured jokes; St. Ambrose of Optina even composed intentionally humorous rhymes to instruct those who came to him. Measured joviality and a sense of humor are like a relief valve on a steam boiler or gas tank. It protects the boiler, the cylinder from exploding under too much pressure. If you take certain things too seriously, like everyday troubles, you’ll simply go crazy.
Once, a hunter passed by the cell of St. Anthony the Great and heard him telling the brethren something, and they all laughed together. Then he asked the elder: “How can monks joke and laugh?” Then the abba asked the hunter to pull his bow harder, and he complied. Then St. Anthony said: “Harder still.” The man objected: “But the bow will break!” “In the same way, a man can’t always be in a state of tension—he needs release and rest,” the saint said.
Irritated, angry conversation, and arguments should, of course, be avoided. But what if serious contradictions and problems really have arisen between people and they need to be solved somehow, otherwise their relationship may hit a dead end? Of course, there are very serious problems that mustn’t be glossed over as though nothing’s happening. Sometimes it requires a really serious conversation. But such a conversation should never be held in a moment of irritation and anger, otherwise nothing good will come of it. We have to choose a time when our passions and opponents have settled down.
A man can’t make the right decision when he’s in a state of irritation and emotion. He’s in a state of passion, mental clouding, his judgment is impaired. In a moment of anger, it’s not me speaking, but my anger. Whenever St. Moses of Optina saw a fault in any of the monks entrusted to him he didn’t immediately say anything to him, but waited until both he and the offender were in a calm spiritual state.
The German army had a law that complaints against fellow soldiers weren’t accepted immediately after the incident, but only after a certain amount of time. This helped make the right decision.
Holy Scripture says: Let not the sun go down upon your wrath (Eph. 4:26). St. John Cassian says that the Sun of Righteousness, Christ, goes down in the minds of those who are angry, for the mind is darkened by anger. Therefore, of course, it doesn’t work to make any sober decision in a dispute, in an indignant state of mind.
But let’s return to the topic of “serious conversation.” The foreign psychologist and writer Len McMillan has formulated the basic rules for peaceful and constructive “relationship discussions.” He did this based on the same quote from the Apostle Paul: Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil (Eph. 4:26–27). How can we be angry and sin not? We have to seriously tackle the problem itself, not get annoyed and attack the person we’re talking to. After all, that’s why you’re having a serious conversation, so as not to offend each other, but to come to some kind of decision.
In an argument, we often forget the most important thing—the subject of the dispute, because people get personal. By focusing on the problem itself, we give no place to the devil. When talking to loved ones, we must first let them know that we still love them, but that we need to discuss and resolve certain issues. It’s important not to cross the line and not change your attitude towards your neighbor or get angry at him during the discussion. Our relationship shouldn’t suffer from discussing an issue.
Let not the sun go down upon your wrath. We mustn’t prolong the resolution of an important issue, for there’s no point in solving a problem when both people are no longer in control of themselves. We mustn’t allow anger to grow into hidden bitterness and resentment. Disputed issues need to be resolved quickly, but offense can take root in the heart.
When discussing a situation, we must speak directly, sincerely, without guile. If we keep quiet about something, then the issue will soon arise again. Don’t leave the question unresolved.
Of course, I’ve outlined these basic tenets of a “serious conversation” briefly and in my own words. We have to resolve conflict situations not by being led by our own ambitions, but by the desire for peace and love, entreating God’s help, and then it will be effective.
Many people in a quarrel, in a conflict, are afraid of making the first step towards reconciliation. It’s clear that this isn’t easy, but there’s no need to fear being misunderstood. Most often this is received very well. Our opponent is most likely also burdened by the situation, but is equally afraid to make the first move. When going to reconcile with another, we must never point out his mistakes (which is how we end up fighting even more), but humbly acknowledge our own mistakes and ask forgiveness for them. The aforementioned Len McMillan describes an example of such reconciliation:
We had just moved into our house. There was a big tree in the meadow across from it, and it was time for the leaves to start falling off. The city had a garbage truck that came by every Monday to collect the leaves the residents had raked to the curb. One beautiful day after work, I was relaxing in the living room. I looked out the window and saw our neighbor come out of his house and start kicking my pile of leaves back onto my lawn. Apparently, some of the leaves had fallen on his lawn.
I was filled with anger when I saw what he was doing. As soon as he went back inside, I went out and raked the leaves back to the curb. But as soon as I got back to my living room, he went out again and started kicking my pile back. I don’t remember how long this stupid competition went on, but I was beyond furious. But it never occurred to me to talk with my neighbor and try to resolve the conflict.
For the next three months, we looked at each other with hatred. If I was in the yard when he came out of his house, I’d immediately go back inside. If I went outside, he’d go inside. The tension reached such a fever pitch that it felt like my neighbor and I were about to burst into flames. Finally, I came to my senses and I told my wife I couldn’t go on like this. I didn’t have the courage to meet my neighbor face-to-face, so I called him on the phone:
“Hi, this is Len,” I said. “Please don’t hang up—there’s something I have to say to you. I’m sorry I acted so foolishly. I’m really sorry that I offended you by putting my pile of leaves by your house. Forgive me.” Before I could even finish, he said: “Len, I feel the same way. I’ve been wanting to work up the courage to call you too. Thank you for doing it for me.”
Had I followed God’s rules, which He left for us in cases of disagreement, I would have saved myself and my neighbor from three months of useless tension. Had I tried to solve the problem right away (on that first day, before the sun went down), we would’ve slept peacefully that night and every night after that.
Here’s what St. Ephraim the Syrian says about such situations: “If there is a dispute between brothers, the first to repent will receive the crown of victory, but the other is also crowned if he doesn’t reject this repentance, but readily does what is necessary for peace.”
They say that the one who’s smarter should be the first to ask forgiveness. Generosity, humility, and the ability to forgive are, of course, qualities inherent in those of a strong nature. Swearing and shouting are the weapons of the weak, of the weak-willed. But when we overcome anger and irritation, let us also avoid the temptation to fall into pride, otherwise we can simply exchange the passion of anger for the passion of pride.
There was a monk who was often subjected to ridicule, and outwardly he calmly and patiently endured it. When the brethren asked him how he managed not to get annoyed at those mocking him, he said: “Why should I pay attention to these dogs?” It seems that pride and contempt for men reigned in his soul.
In conclusion, I want to say something about the most important thing—how to start the fight against anger. We have to start it with prayer for those who anger and offend us and cause us trouble. The Gospel gives us direct instructions on how to deal with such people: Pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you (Mt. 5:44).
By praying for those who offend us, we fight against anger, we stop seeing them as enemies, and we begin to realize that they need our prayerful help. We also have to pray not only for those who offend us, but also for the resolution of any tense conflict situation. In such cases, we can also entreat help from the Apostle of Love, St. John the Theologian. The prayers “For the Reconciliation of Those in Enmity,” and “For Those Who Hate and Offend Us” can be found in any complete prayer book.
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HT: Orthodox Christian. (Bolding of key words and phrases, and some minor content organizational changes made by blog editors to improve readability.)
